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Moments Like This

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For those of you who know me, you know I have not ever thought really highly of myself. Not a lot of people know this, but many days I struggle with feeling like I just can't do anything right. I feel like I don't even deserve to be alive. I know there are a lot of people out there who face that battle every day. I can't tell you how overwhelming the feeling is. I can't begin to describe how much just shutting out the world around me helps me cope and overcome the war. Those who go through it are strong even though we don't see it.

That's the thing. I know I have a lot to live for. I know that I have people who care about me. It doesn't stop the fears though. It doesn't stop the anxiety. It doesn't even stop the sense of worthlessness. People speak to me about things and I overreact. I know I do. I can't help it. What they have said to me is something that's been eating away at me for a long time. So my anxiety latches on and I feel like it's obvious I am a loser because clearly everybody around me feels the same way that I inwardly feel about myself.

Is that fair? No. I'll be honest, but it's not something I can control. It's not like I want to get upset when somebody is trying to give me constructive criticism. I want to follow their advice. I want to do what they feel is appropriate. If people lived five seconds inside my head, they would understand.

I know you're thinking, what's your point? Heck, many people are probably done reading this. They have chalked it off as somebody who's just looking for pity over the internet. Isn't it sad that if you suffer from a mental disorder or a low sense of self-worth that they're considered an attention seeker who just cries and whines because they need attention in their lives?

Sometimes I have moments where I realize the beauty in my life. Especially when my Quil is cuddled up against me like I'm the best person in the entire world. When he looks at me like I'm the greatest person in his entire world. I know he's just a dog, but those moments make me feel special and important. They take away my anxiety and fears. They make me feel like I'm special.

I know I have some human family and friends who are the same way with me. I get it. Somehow it's different though. Somehow my mind can trick me into thinking that they are just being nice so they don't hurt my feelings. I know deep down that's not the case.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day, I know I'll be okay. I know I have people who care and want me around. I know that I am strong enough to get through this. I'm strong enough to follow my dreams and make something of myself. I hope that if you're reading this and that you go through the struggles that you realize you aren't alone.

There's always someone to reach out to if you need somebody to talk to. Somebody who truly understands and gets it. I am one of those people. Ignore those who think you're just seeking attention. That does nothing but bring you down and make you feel more worthless. Trust me when I say that everybody has worth. Everybody is amazing in their own way. Thank you for reading this.

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